BIG TIPS

JUNE 9, 1995 GAY PEOPLE's Chronicle 27

His lover's company-party 'date' isn't just acting

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

So there I was last night, totally bored, when I discovered a really cool trick. When I touch the tip of my vibrator to the end of either nostril (it worked on both sides), it makes me sneeze. So there's the beauty of battery operated models: you can wow your friends and neighbors at parties without the expense and bulk of an extension cord.

Dear M.T.,

My lover and I, both gay men in our 30s, have lived together like a married couple for the past five years. Our home life is great, but not so the world of work. My lover works for a conservative company and feels, for the sake of his career, he must keep in the closet professionally. To prevent suspicion, he has an arrangement with a female high school classmate who acts as a beard at all company parties and social functions.

This arrangement was working fine—until I found out that my lover and his beard are having sex after each company function. Since my lover has never expressed interest in women, I was stunned to discover his exploits. I regained my composure and talked to my lover about the situation. He says he's not really interested in women and only beds his beard after company events. I believe him, but don't want to share. He still wants the opportunity to have sex with the woman several times a year and has suggested that I can watch, or we can have a three-way. I might be willing to do those things to eliminate my jealousy and get off at the same time. How do you think I should handle the situation?

Between a rock and a hard place

Dear Feared O' the Beard,

Your lover's cheating on you. If you've been living like a married couple for five years, I'm assuming that means you've had the monogamy chat, and agreed not to have sex with other people. Women are people. He broke the rules.

If you've managed to avoid this conversation for five years, then it's high time you both made sure that your ideas of monogamy are sympathetic. His concept of faithfulness is apparently pretty fuzzy, especially after a few drinks on the company. Maybe the noncommittal nature of the rendezvous is a relief for him from "relationship sex,” or he believes that sex with a woman "doesn't count." Whatever his motivations are, you need to decide together what you each need and can tolerate.

Concerning the whole three-way/watching scenario: Suppose you and your lover went to the mall and got one of those amazingly huge $5 chocolate chip cookies, and decided to watch a movie that night and eat it together Now, wouldn't you be pissed if he blithely went to a friend's house that afternoon and snacked it down with her? Would not your annoyance grow if he offered to let

you watch them eat the cookie? Sharing the cookie with them might be a little better, but you might have really been salivating for a half and not a third, and for a special movieand-cookie night with just your hon. The cookie story has gone on long enough-I think you get the picture.

A couple of other issues seem to be worth mentioning. Now, the fact that I like to have sex with a woman several times a year is what makes me a lesbian. How "not into women" can he be if he can tell you now that he wants to have sex with one several times a year? It seems like your lover isn't very brave about saying who he really is, perhaps not even to himself.

One point that your letter makes clear is that being in the closet doesn't just hurt the one who's bumping his head on the hangers. Your lover has created a situation that hurts you by making you invisible, and by perpetuating an affair that wouldn't even exist if he were more aboveboard—with you or his company. June is a gay pride month and a great opportunity to take advantage of identity bolstering activities. If The Times of Harvey Milk is showing anywhere, go see it with your lover. It's almost ten years old now,

but it's unfailingly moving and shows coming out as a powerful, positive experience. It can be rented from gay-friendly video and book stores, and there's also a video of the 1993 March on Washington that's worth a rent, and several books on G-L-B history to check out.

At this point, if he stopped having this woman appear at company functions, he would certainly maintain the appearance of heterosexuality. People break up or divorce all the time. If you choose not to approve of the bedding of the beard, I guess it comes down to what's more important to him, his "fake" lover or his real one. Unfortunately,

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Dear Big Tipper,

I have a question about safe sex, but not about AIDS. I've pretty much gotten used to using latex barriers to protect me from HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, but recently a friend told me that genital warts can be transmitted through latex. This is really depressing me, because I've also heard that you can have warts and not know it, and how can I be careful if I can't see them? Also, what if I already have warts, and don't know it, and give them to someone else? I thought I was being so careful and now I'm depressed to find out that my slate isn't really clean.

Dear Warts and All,

Warthog

Yippie-yi-o-ki-ay! Another latexed lesbian. Well, hon, you're doing okay. My inner Catholic is telling me to tell you that even if you think you're following the rules, you can still get in trouble. You smear on the 20 sunblock, miss a patch on your back, and get singed. Sigh. We already know that sex is one big trail o risks: what if she was making eye contact with the rugby player behind you? What if she really just needed a ride home from the meeting, and really thought you just wanted to come in to see her collection of 18th century bootjacks? What if she just laughs at that special thing you do with your thumb... Augh! Mix in the possibility of catching something you're going to have to get burned off your privates, and we should all be doing the happy dance that anybody's getting any booty. Fortunately we have a long history of getting down where angels fear to dive.

So here's the Reader's Digest abbreviated rap on genital warts according to Chester, my nurse practitioner health consultant. Warts are caused by human papilloma virus (HPV), and women tend to get them anywhere between their outer labia to the inside and up to the cervix. They're usually little fleshy bumps, the same color of the owner's skin. If the virus is in your system, it is always there, whether or not you're currently having an outbreak, and technically, viral cells can be present and transmissable, even if warts are not visible. It's easier for a gal to get 'em from a warty guy (so check that dick, if applicable), but it can also spread girl to girl. Latex (dams, gloves, condoms) should be a sufficient barrier to block transmission of HPV. If you haven't had an outbreak of warts but for some reason think you may have HPV, you can be tested for it, but a doctor won't automatically test you unless you request it.

Get regular Pap smears! Lesbians are much less likely to do this, because of less frequent attention to childbearin' parts, and a decreased access to insurance, but you can have warts on your cervix and not anywhere externally visible, and this is linked to an increased risk for developing cervical cancer. Get a smear annually, although after three negatives, it may be recommended that you can stretch it to every two or three years. It doesn't hurt, and they'll even let you take home that little paper gown, which would make a nice tablecloth for your next medically-themed buffet.

Send questions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland OH 44101; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com (on America Online, ChronOhio); or fax to 216-631-1082.

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